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Photograph by Lee Martin / Alamy

Meet Charlotte. Charlotte’s a thirty-four-year-old sweetheart who sometimes gets dizzy owing to her poor diet—but she’s not letting that stop her from spending hours clicking between Twitter and Craigslist instead of working on her article! She doesn’t actually need anything on Craigslist; she just likes to read sad posts by strangers going through bad breakups instead of doing her work. Charlotte would do well in a home where three square meals are placed in front of her each day. She would also benefit from being reminded to shower and having her phone confiscated at night. She’d make a great companion for anyone seeking a poorly adjusted, emotionally unavailable woman to sit in a chair in the corner and stare at her laptop while mumbling.

Meet Richard. Richard is a feral writer who has garnered interest from literary agents, but he lacks the perseverance to finish reading a novel, let alone to write one of his own. When Richard is not working on first chapters, he sporadically attends a meditation group where he is known as “the weeper,” hangs out with one of his two ex-girlfriends, and shoplifts ramen noodles from his local Walgreens. Richard had kidney stones once. He wrote an article about it for a major national magazine. He’s hoping to get kidney stones a second time so that he can write a follow-up piece. Richard would do well in a loving environment with a couple of other writers to interact with. He is almost completely house-trained.

Meet Serena. Serena came to us as a seasoned reporter with a master’s degree in journalism who had recently dropped out of the rat race to freelance. Serena currently lives with two roommates in an apartment where she is left alone all day. Her roommates are under the impression that she is unemployed, despite the fact that she’s technically a copywriter. Serena wakes up at 2 P.M., smokes a fatty, and walks to the Wawa for some snack cakes. Because of her stress-filled professional background, Serena would do best in a single-writer home where she can come and go freely. Whoever adopts Serena will be required to maintain her daily supply of fatties and snack cakes.

Meet Joshua. Joshua has had some short stories published in best-of anthologies and is a frequent contributor to several national news outlets. He owns some plants but has yet to have a successful relationship with any human. He eats a lot of soup. So much soup. He sometimes talks to his downstairs neighbor, a friendly woman whom he is attracted to, but whom he will not pursue because he knows that vulnerability only leads to pain. Despite all this, Joshua has very good dental hygiene. He is flossing right now. Joshua would do well with an owner who forces him out into the sunlight, despite all his allergies. Joshua would also probably benefit from some sort of medication. He is up to date on all his shots.

Meet Francis. This handsome scrapper published a popular zine in college. In his twenties, he opened a publishing house, which took off, and he sold it to his partners for a tidy profit. After that, he wrote a book of poetry, which was met with critical acclaim and won a Pulitzer. His accomplishments, though impressive, are of little comfort to his wife when he locks himself in the guest room for days on end and pees into an empty Gatorade bottle. We’re hoping to find a new home for Francis quickly, as his wife is gearing up to kick him out. Francis is generally aloof and would do best in a home with low expectations and an empty guest room. Whoever adopts Francis should be aware that he has bitten two people, although we believe that this will not be an issue once he settles into a stable environment.

Link to original: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/writers-looking-for-forever-homes-adoption-listings